I am not normally a patient person. In fact, I’d say patience is one of those virtues God forgot to include in my personality when he made me. I struggle to hide surprises, I try hard to do all the things at once whether I can actually handle it or not, and I cringe when people say things like “wait” or “later.”

However, there are times when the possibility of what the future may hold pushes me to be patient. And, one of those times was because of Emily.

A Woman Worth Waiting For

I have already shared bits and pieces of the story from the night I knew I was in love with Emily. However, I haven’t fully discussed all the time I spent patiently waiting for us to be together. It felt like forever, even if it was just over 16 months from that night to the night we went to Hooters. And yet, for whatever reason, I knew she was worth the wait.

At first, the timing was off: I was going through a divorce and the COVID-19 pandemic began. Then, I decided I wanted to spend some time being single after the divorce so I could rediscover myself and process traumatic events from my past. Somewhere in all of that, she started seeing a guy (I could write a whole post about him), and I was left holding in my feelings as I watched her be treated poorly. But, as soon as she broke things off with him, I knew that was my moment — even if my method of seizing the day was an unplanned plot twist.

But, through all of that, my feelings for Emily never wavered. In fact, they only grew.

We bonded over our shared love for “Grey’s Anatomy,” our musical talents, and our mental health. But, the more time I spent with Emily, the more I appreciated her as a person.

Emily had a great sense of humor and could find a way to make even the most uncomfortable situations funny. She was also incredibly smart, and I loved watching her nerd out over her passions (social work and religion to name a few). She had many gifts, including her ability to dance, and I loved watching her do it.

Emily was also an incredible listener. She would always ask whether I wanted advice or just an ear to hear what I had to say. She was great at looking at situations objectively and finding silver linings (as long as it wasn’t something in her own life). She knew how to calm people, walk alongside them, and support them. She just had this warmth about her that can’t be described, but made her a joy to be around.

And, for whatever reason, she seemed to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed hers.

All of this made her worth the investment and the wait, even when I had no idea if my feelings would ever be reciprocated.

Waiting For The Right Time

When Emily and I finally started dating, things progressed quickly. She started moving things in just weeks after our first kiss, and by that fall, she rarely went to her apartment. She started pinning things to a wedding Pinterest board, discussing the future on a regular basis, and began the research process on how we could have a child together. And yet, despite all of this, she made me wait.

I remember the first night we discussed the idea of marriage like it was yesterday. We were cuddled up in her bed, watching the first season of “Cruel Summer” (we had to watch it at her place because we couldn’t get logged into the streaming service we needed at my place). During a commercial break, I kissed her and said, “Emily, I love you, and I think I want to marry you.” She smiled and said, “We’ll get married… but you better not propose before I finish grad school!”

So, I waited. Almost an entire year. A month before her graduation, I bought the ring. And I waited some more.

But, once again, it was worth the wait. She was the best reason for me to be patient.

Was I Too Patient, Though?

As October comes closer and closer, I can’t help but think back to those last few weeks, the weeks that started right around the same time I proposed. The nausea. The flares of abdominal pain. The exhaustion and shortness of breath at times.

By this point, I knew Emily well enough to know pushing her to go to the hospital would only result in frustration. I’d rushed her to the ER before, but per her request — not mine. I knew she had strong feelings about other people making her healthcare decisions, and ultimately my desire to respect her autonomy won over the urge to take care of her.

But was that the right play?

That question has been one of my biggest struggles since she died. I’ve replayed the tape in my head so many times, searching for some sort of clues I may have missed when it happened.

But, like I said in another recent post, I think, ultimately, Emily was always going to die, and taking her to the ER one or two weeks earlier would have simply meant she would have spent her final days in the hospital or ended up on the transplant list again (which she’d already told me she wouldn’t handle well).

I’ve also wondered what life would have looked like if I’d not been so patient in telling her how I felt about her. What if I’d told her, “Hey, I love you,” the night we went to the Lizzo concert? How different would life have looked then?

Sure, we would have had more time as a couple. Maybe we would have even gotten married sooner. But was she ready for that in 2019? Would she have been ready to come out then? Would it have helped her recover from her ED sooner or pushed her to use disordered behaviors even more?

Honestly, I don’t know… And I never will. But, what I do know is this: I got to enjoy a beautiful relationship because I was willing to be patient.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I’ll be honest, I’ve been dealing with another struggle with patience over the past month. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel at least a few times (ask my best friend, she’s got texts to prove it). And yet, there’s this little voice in my head that keeps saying, “Be patient. Fight for what you want.”

Every time I hear that voice, I can only bring myself to nod and say, “Okay.” Because when I try to fight it, all I see is Emily — and I remember that all of the best things in life have come to me when I’ve been patient. When I’ve waited. When I’ve listened to what God calls me to do.

And, if I’m being honest, this is another time where I know it’s more than worth the wait.