For me, November 30 is an important day. I often think of it as my version of October 3rd (Emily would love the Mean Girls reference). It’s probably a bit romanticized if you stop to think about it, though. Yes, it was the day I realized how I felt about Emily. However, it was also just one of many times I hesitated.

Love & Lizzo

November 30, 2019: The day Emily and I went to see Lizzo. I’ll admit I was not in a great mood that weekend. My then-husband had just recently dropped the bomb that he wanted a divorce, and I decided to spend Thanksgiving weekend on my own as a result. I was in such a crummy mood that I almost backed out of going, but I gave myself a pep talk and decided to live it up.

And let me say, as soon as I saw Emily walking down to my car from her apartment (she was in Smyrna at the time), the night was already worth it.

Although I already thought Emily was beautiful, something about her outfit that night—a perfect mix of confidence and charm—stirred something new and undeniable in me. These feelings continued as we drove to the concert, singing along to a playlist I made of Lizzo and a few other artists, grinning the entire time. I tried to focus, think about anything else… yet I kept going back to her the entire night, hoping it would never end.

After the concert, we started the trek back Murfreesboro (well, Smyrna first). We ran into a lot of traffic despite it being late, and we realized neither of us ever ate dinner, so we stopped at the IHOP in Antioch (literally right around the corner from where she’d eventually move). I remember sitting across from her in a booth, talking about everything under the sun, my eyes never leaving her anytime she spoke. 

“I have a crush on you.”

I remember thinking these words in my head, imagining how she would respond. They sat on the tip of my tongue but never caressed my lips.

“She doesn’t feel the same way. Don’t mess things up; she’s a good friend.”

So, instead of telling her how I felt—instead of pulling her close and kissing her—I drove her home. I hesitated, and that hesitation cost me what could have been another year and a half with Emily as my girlfriend.

Swing & a Miss

I wish I could say that the Lizzo concert was the only time I hesitated… but it wasn’t. The next time happened just months later, right before COVID shut the world down. 

Emily and my friends Jen and Elissa were helping me celebrate the first of numerous divorce milestones: I removed my rings. This was a big deal, not because I chose to take them off (although that in and of itself was a big deal), but rather because I had to get a jeweler to cut them off. After 10 years, they had just become stuck.

We went to Dave & Busters, and Jen, Elissa, and I arrived a little before Emily. We got a table, ordered drinks, and waited for Emily. Once again, Emily walked in, and I felt butterflies.

She arrived just as Jen and Elissa were encouraging me to go flirt with a girl standing at the bar. Emily looked at me, I think to encourage me to talk to the girl. But I didn’t hear anything she said because I was mesmerized by her. I told my friends to stop, and threw in a quick, “I’ve got my eyes on someone else,” but no one seemed to catch it. 

Later that evening, as Jen and Elissa were distracted by a game, I stood next to Emily and started talking to her. I remember asking her if she was having fun, and she said yes. 

The words bubbled up inside me once again, and I worried they would spill out.

“I’m in love with you!”

“What?”

“Take a picture with me!”

I didn’t just swing and miss that time, though: I struck out repeatedly in 2020. On another occasion, we went out to dinner at Chuy’s. Emily had several drinks and needed to do a “meal challenge” of adding dessert. So, we got in my minivan, went to Steak-N-Shake, and then parked in the Target parking lot to enjoy them (again, COVID meant we couldn’t drink them inside Target). 

As we talked and enjoyed our shakes, I felt like I was burning up. The words rushed through my brain, so many things I wanted to say. And yet, the next thing I knew, I was saying something completely stupid:

“Have you ever just really wanted to kiss someone?”

Emily gave me this look, a look that could either be confusion or concern. Either way, she asked what I meant, and we moved on to a new topic shortly after. 

I hesitated again. I missed out again.

“But I Need to Find Myself First”

By the time summer 2020 rolled around, I had made an important decision: I would take at least 12 months to “find myself” again. However, it didn’t take long for me to regret this decision.

When I picked Emily up from work one day because she was having car troubles, I met one of her coworkers. Even though I interacted with him for less than five minutes, I already knew two things: I did not like this guy, and he totally had a crush on her. 

Jealousy screamed, “Ask her out while you can!” but wise mind said, “You need to work on yourself before you try dating anyone.”

Unfortunately, my intuition was right. Emily started dating the coworker just a couple of months later. 

I spent the last several months of 2020 worrying whether my hesitation had cost me any possible chance with her. Every time she would send me pictures of what she was wearing on a date with him or ask my advice about something relationship-related, I silently steamed over the fact that this guy who was not at all good enough for Emily was with her instead of me. 

I never once shared how I felt directly. I did, however, drop these random statements I thought were hints. I’d say things like, “You look hot!” with some emojis. Or when she would complain about his lack of romance or paying for things, I would say, “I would buy you everything,” or, “I’d be a better boyfriend than this guy.” She never once picked up on these “hints,” so clearly they weren’t as obvious as I thought.

Strike While the Iron is Hot

It’s funny: despite all the times I hesitated with Emily, there was one time I did not. And it was the night we went to Hooters. I am not sure how I found the courage to say what I did, but I am forever thankful I spoke up that day. 

The problem is understanding when to be patient and when patience becomes hesitation. When should I strike and throw caution to the wind? What happens if I don’t? What else will I miss out on?

Yet, at the same time, there’s no guarantee acting in the heat of the moment will help with anything, either. I think it’s more of a delicate balance and much more nuanced than we think. But every time I think about Emily, the only thought that runs through my brain is the fact that we are never promised tomorrow. And when that’s the case, why wait?