Earlier this week, I threw a question out into the universe of social media:

“If you’ve lost a spouse, what’s something you’ve learned along your journey that you wish you’d known beforehand (or at least sooner than you did)?

If you haven’t yet experienced this type of loss, what’s something you are curious about but have been afraid to ask someone who has lost their spouse?”

At first, I only received a few “likes” on the post. Eventually, someone asked something I never expected: “Is the pain you carry worth the love you experienced?”

It’s such an excellent question, so I didn’t just want to reply to his comment. I wanted to write about it.

One Moment Can Change Your Life

If you’ve read any other posts I’ve created here or on social media, you probably already know my beliefs on many things. In fact, you probably know that I’m a firm believer in people coming into our lives for reasons. You probably also know that I was intrigued by Emily the first day I met her, and I just had this gut feeling she would be a part of my story.

However, neither Emily nor I were prepared for our impact on each other and how we would forever change each other’s lives.

We met in an unconventional place—group therapy. The way Emily always told the story, the choice to sit by me, was merely her way of avoiding intimidating or strange people. However, that seemingly small decision forever altered both of our lives.

Looking back, that moment of meeting Emily changed the trajectory of my life in ways I could never have anticipated. What I learned about myself, relationships, and life directly resulted from our friendship and romantic relationship. The years between when I met Emily and when she died were some of the most turbulent but rewarding ones. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for Emily, I’m certain of that.

A Love Unlike Anything I Could Ever Imagine

Falling in love with Emily was easier than I ever thought love could be. I spent months wondering why she was willing to date me, what she saw in me. Being with her redefined everything I thought I knew about relationships, about the way people love me.

Before Emily, I thought the only type of romantic relationships I deserved were transactional ones. I thought a partner would only love me if I provided benefits to them in return. Yet Emily loved me without reservations, without questions or hesitations or demands. Through her unwavering love, Emily taught me what it meant to be loved unconditionally. She accepted me fully—flaws, fears, and all—and her love gave me the strength to embrace parts of myself I’d spent years hiding.

I thought I was undeserving of love from others or myself. But she taught me to love myself in ways I never had before. She taught me that all bodies are beautiful, including mine. She helped me see all of the things I have to offer. She made me realize my big emotions, my constant worrying, and my tendency to assume people hate me were not reasons to love me any less. Although it’s still a work in progress, I know I wouldn’t like myself in the ways I do today without meeting Emily.

As one of my best friends has said numerous times since she died, I firmly believe Emily was my first true love. The depth of our connection was rare, and it continues to inspire me to live authentically and love deeply. Because of her, I know what love looks like, what it feels like, and what it isn’t. I know what I deserve, and I’m unwilling to settle for anything less than the love Emily gave me.

The Price of Love Is Grief

Losing Emily has been the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. There are days when the weight of her absence feels unbearable. But even in those moments, I remind myself of everything her love brought into my life.

My time with Emily shaped every aspect of who I am today. She helped me grow in ways I couldn’t have imagined—breaking free from unhealthy patterns, facing my fears, or rediscovering joy. 

Grief is the natural counterpart of love, a reminder of the depth of what we shared. I wouldn’t have survived losing her if I never had her to begin with. Emily’s example continues to guide me; through her, I’ve discovered strength and resilience I didn’t know I had. Emily gave me the tools I needed to live through losing the love of my life.

Because the Pleasure is More Than Worth the Pain

To answer the question posed to me: yes, experiencing a love like Emily and I shared is worth every bit of pain and grief I could ever endure. The grief I live with daily is a part of my journey; it’s a small price to pay for the gift of loving her and being loved by her. The pleasure of our time together far outweighs the pain of her absence. I would choose her again, even knowing how it ends, because our love will forever be worth it.

So, yes, loving Emily was worth every moment of pain. Because love like that doesn’t truly leave; it becomes a part of you forever.