As I sat on the couch at my best friends’ house this evening, watching one of them pack for an upcoming trip, I said two things that have stuck in my mind for the past few hours:

• “I can’t believe Emily has been dead for two years now.”
• “It feels like I’ve lived an entire new lifetime since she’s been gone.”

It’s strange to me how two such opposing statements can simultaneously be true. Technically, time remains consistent regardless of the events in our lives. And yet, to me, reflecting back on this same time two years ago feels like it was both yesterday and over a decade ago. I keep trying to recall as many details as possible, as if they’ll simply vanish if I don’t… And I never want Emily to vanish.

Living a Normal Life

By the time we reached this same date two years ago (October 15, 2022), Emily and I were both aware something wasn’t right. In fact, she had an exam scheduled for Tuesday, October 18 so her doctor could do imaging and determine the cause of her abdominal pain. Multiple people told us it was more than likely her gallbladder, and honestly many of the symptoms she experienced in those final few weeks aligned with everything I read about gallbladder issues.

So, because we didn’t know any better, we simply went about our lives in those final few days. On Friday, October 14, we carved pumpkins with friends. On Saturday, Emily worked a 12-hour shift like it was nothing, then turned around and did I again on Sunday. I can’t remember what we ate for dinner that night, because it was all just part of our routine, nothing unusual besides the moments where Emily would suddenly double over in pain. She told the kids she loved them before bed and again before they went to school on Monday morning.

We were just… Living. Living as if we still had forever in front of us. Living as if she was not about to die.

Is Hindsight Really 20/20?

Something I’ve struggled with a lot over the past two years is all of the “regrets” or “what ifs” that fill my head now that I know what I know. I’ve said numerous times if I had known I’d only get the window of time with Emily from 2018 until 2022, I would have told her how I felt about her sooner. I would have asked her to marry me earlier. I would have insisted she get her dream wedding before the end.

But, would I have really done all of that? Or is it wishful thinking?

Honestly, I’m glad we did many of the things we did during our time together without us knowing anything about what the future held. Despite finances being tight, we prioritized traveling and activities we could do with the kids as a family, even when it was more than we really should be spending. I’m also glad we spent so many weekends in Knoxville between July 2021 and September 2022, which we did just because we enjoyed spending time with Emily’s parents, not because we knew our time was limited.

I’m glad we prioritized quality time with each other, like date nights out and time just cuddled up on the couch watching television shows. I’m glad she made the decision to start grad school in 2020, despite her worries about managing the coursework along with having a “big girl job.” Seeing her walk across that stage, to receive that MSW I watched her work so hard for, was one of the greatest moments. 

Ultimately, I am just grateful I got to know Emily. I wouldn’t trade any of my time with her for the world, even if it wasn’t nearly as much time as I would have liked. And while I definitely can’t say I believe everything happens for a reason, I do know that she impacted me so much — and that I know for certain wasn’t happenstance.