Since I didn’t start my current job until January, none of my coworkers ever had the chance to meet Emily. Today during lunch, one of them asked if I’d be willing to share a bit about her and how we ended up together with all of them. I absolutely love talking about her, so I shared how we met and bits and pieces about her.

When I got to the part about our first kiss, I explained how the day started with me being “a tall person.” They all looked confused since I’m only 5’4″, so I said, “So, Emily was only 4’9″ and so tiny I could pick her up. But she was also a second-degree black belt, so you better believe I knew she could beat the shit out of me if she wanted.” They all laughed, and one coworker said, “Oooh, small but fierce!” I nodded.

What’s funny is this isn’t the first time someone has said that exact thing about Emily. In fact, my oldest child once said that exact thing in the car. And, honestly? It’s incredibly true.

Small But Fierce

Emily was fully aware of how small she was. And, from what I’ve heard about her childhood, she was determined to make sure that never got in her way. She didn’t see her size as a deterrent — it was merely a small hurdle she could easily overcome.

I mean, she had a freaking black belt in karate and competed nationally. She finished out the semester in college even when she went into heart failure. When she saw car accidents, she got out and helped people (and even once performed CPR on a stranger). When she got the job at the psych hospital after grad school, she went through the training to be on the response team for combative patients.

Nothing ever stopped Emily. She was fierce. She was an absolute badass, and it’s just one of a million things that made me fall in love with her.

Don’t Mess With a Fierce Woman

Emily may have been tiny, but she was strong. I remember the first time I witnessed that, too. I had confided in Emily about what our then therapist had said about me. And, boy, that sweet, kindhearted friend I’d slowly been falling in love with over the previous nine months suddenly became this enraged woman who was out for blood. It happened again when I told her some things that had happened with my ex-husband, and really anytime she felt like people treated me wrong.

And she didn’t just do this with me. I watched her go to bat for clients, get in nurses faces for friends, and threaten to beat up a kid who made my oldest child cry. Emily loves her people just as fiercely as I love mine. And you don’t mess with people like that because they will absolutely tear you to shreds.

She Faced Her Biggest Fears

In the time I knew Emily, I watched her overcome a lot. Health issues, anorexia, OCD, grad school… She tackled it all. However, I think that one of her biggest fears was letting her parents down. And, because of that, I know that coming out was so hard for her.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was one of the first people Emily talked to about her concerns that she “wasn’t straight.” I was glad that she saw me as a safe person to share that with, and I was even happier that she trusted me as a romantic partner. But it took her months to start telling anyone about us because she was scared.

Eventually, though, she did it. And I was so proud of her because I knew it took more courage than many of the other brave things she’d done. I just hope she never regretted it or felt pressured to do it for me.

I’m Trying to Be Fierce, Too

Like Emily, I love my people and will do anything for them. However, I really struggle with being brave and fierce for myself. I always have, and maybe I always will.

But, you know what? Emily was willing to be that small but fierce woman for me. And now that she’s gone, I don’t have any choice but to do it for myself.

I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again, but when that day comes, I want Emily to be as proud of me as I was of her every single day from the first time we met until those final moments we spent together going between floors in the hospital. She was fierce all the way up until the end, and I know deep down that the best way I can honor her is to be fierce and keep fighting too.