Yesterday was my birthday. If you read my previous post, then you’ll soon realize my birthday is just two days after the day Emily died. That connection in and of itself makes my birthday a very difficult time. However, if you add in the knowledge of how Emily celebrated birthdays and what we had planned for my birthday the year she died, it’s easy to see why I’ve vetoed any birthday celebrations for the past two years.

Emily’s Celebratory Love

Before Emily and I started dating, I never made a big deal out of my birthday. It just wasn’t something my ex-husband ever put effort into, so eventually I stopped even trying.

But, Emily always believed in the importance of birthdays. Not just for herself, but for everyone in her life. I never really asked her why she liked celebrating birthdays so much, but if I had to guess, it was because it gave her an opportunity to bake and decorate things and also buy people things that would make them happy.

And so, unbeknownst to me, she and the kids plotted an entire evening for my 34th birthday.

They decorated the house with balloons, selected gifts they all agreed I would like, and planned dinner. We played board games and just enjoyed each other’s company, and I couldn’t have asked for a better evening.

Then, over the weekend, Emily and I went to Chicago, one of my favorite cities. Even though I broke my toe halfway through the trip, we still made the most of it. I was so thankful she was willing to go on this adventure with me, and I have so many fond memories from that trip.

A Birthday for the Books

Emily really wanted to make a huge deal out of my 35th birthday in 2022. Luckily, we made that really easy for each other: she purchased tickets to see Lizzo in Nashville for the Sunday, October 23 show, and I bought Demi Lovato tickets for Tuesday, October 25. This was a huge deal for us, both because of the significance of seeing Lizzo live, and it would be our first time seeing Demi Lovato and my first time seeing anything at the Ryman.

We planned to spend the entire weekend in Nashville, celebrating and enjoying our favorite places like Lipstick Lounge and more. Emily had gone all out planning outfits for each show, and both of her outfits made me want to drool all over myself because she looked so hot in them. Also, somewhere in all of that, Emily was going to take her LMSW exam on Monday, October 24. It was going to be an incredible five days for both of us.

But, as we sat in the ER waiting room at St. Thomas on Monday the 17th, I started to wonder if we’d need to rethink our plans. “Don’t cancel anything!” Emily insisted. On Tuesday the 18th, when a general surgeon came in, confirmed her gallbladder needed to come out, and said the surgery would likely occur the next day as long as cardiology signed off, I offered to look into selling our Lizzo tickets or asking Ticketmaster for a refund. “Absolutely not! This is a minimally invasive procedure, I’ll be out of the hospital by Friday. We are going!”

In those final hours, though, my birthday celebration was the last thing on my mind. All I was concerned with was Emily and her health.

Trying to Rediscover the Birthday Love

Obviously, all the celebration plans for my 35th birthday went out the window the moment Emily died. In fact, I spent most of that day on the couch, refusing to move. I also refused to celebrate my birthday last year, as it seems ridiculous to celebrate my life when one of my favorite people in the entire world is not only dead, but died just days before my birthday.

However, I decided I would try this year with something small — dinner and laser tag with two of my closest friends.

I did get a little teary-eyed before and after, but I also enjoyed myself. I tried my hardest to remain present in the moment, to focus on myself and my friends, to live like Emily would want me to. Because, at this point, that’s all I can really do: continue living in spite of my broken heart.