In the sixteen months since Emily died, I’ve maintained a fairly busy life between a full-time job and several freelance clients. Unfortunately, this means that there’s usually one night each week where I just need to relax.

To make it interesting for the kids, I’ve used these “chill nights” to introduce them to movies that came out during my middle school and high school years, meaning they were a part of Emily’s childhood as well. Some of them, like Mean Girls, I introduced as “Emily favorites,” while others (Princess Diaries) are more me. However, as we recently watched Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story, I realized that most of these movies share a common connection: they’re all fairy-tale like.

It’s funny, because I spent most of my life dreaming of my own fairy tale of a life. By 2017, I had all but given up on that dream. But now I realize I just needed a bit more time to find my prince… I mean princess.

All Fairy Tales Start With Pain (or Trauma)

Think of a fairy tale. It can be any fairy tale (or rom com) you want. Now, focus on the very beginning of the story.

What happens?

Usually, something dark and twisty occurs within the first moments.

In my case, and in Emily’s, we each went through our fair share of “dark and twisty” before we first met. We both endured a lot in 2017, but even before that point, we each went through our fair share of shit. Now, that’s not to say we didn’t experience our fair share of happy moments as well, but most protagonists do. They usually all have incredibly loving parents (check, check), but disaster still finds a way to strike (check, check).

And, it’s all of that pain and suffering, or heartache, or loneliness, or… you get the idea… it’s those “dark and twisty” moments that usually lead to that first encounter between the protagonist and the prince, princess, football player, or ogre they end up with in the end.

In the case of this story, Emily and I both endured what I’ll just sum up as our own “series of unfortunate events” along with a predisposition for mental illness, and that’s what got us to the next part of our journey.

Then The Prince & Princess Meet

I think the moments where fairy tale lovers meet is the best part of the movie. Usually there’s this long gaze, at least one of the characters smiles, and they’re mesmerized by the other person.

During Emily’s funeral, I shared the story of our first encounter, both from my perspective and hers. The reaction I had upon first meeting her was one I’ve only had twice in my entire life (one being Emily; the other occurring back in December), and it’s almost impossible to describe in my own words. So, instead, I’ll rely on Taylor Swift:

Your eyes whispered, ‘Have we met?’
‘Cross the room your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts
Counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is, I was enchanted to meet you

I didn’t know the exact role Emily would play in my life, but I knew the moment our eyes met that there was something different about her, and I felt drawn to her, just like the prince and princess seem during the moment they first meet.

But It Isn’t Always Instant Bliss

So, think about what happens after the prince and princess meet. Do they ride off into the sunset together? No, not usually. At least, not right away.

Sleeping Beauty meets her prince in the woods, but then she can’t go back because the ridiculous fairy godmothers can’t just act like normal people. Shrek rescues Fiona, but she’s too stuck on the fact that he can’t see her as an ogre to be honest with him. Ariel can’t even talk to Eric because she initially can’t get on the boat (mermaid tail), then she gives up the one thing she really needs (her voice).

See where this is going?

In my personal fairy tale, there were a lot of issues at play. At first, I was (unhappily) married. I’d also just lost multiple friends because I came out, and I had zero idea how Emily would handle such news.

So, for a while (almost three years), I remained content with Emily as a friend. After a while, we’d become so close that I didn’t even want to bring up the little crush I had.

Her friendship meant the world to me. She could comfort me and make me laugh all at once. She was always there when I needed someone, and I was the same for her. She trusted me enough to invite me to her Renfrew groups when she was supposed to bring a support person, and she was #1 on my call list for my safety plan.

And yet, as I watched her juggle two jobs and deal with an absolutely terrible boyfriend while enduring her first year of grad school, I couldn’t help but feel a certain way. I wanted to ride in and save her… But that would mean revealing a huge secret.

Yet They Eventually Find Happiness

I’ve thought a lot about the day Emily and I upgraded our relationship status from friends to girlfriends. And, honestly, I’m not sure what compelled me to blurt out my feelings the way I did. If I had to guess, part of it was the fact that I could have easily played my comment off as a joke. The other part, I think, was I just couldn’t contain my feelings anymore.

Was it the most romantic way to confess my love? Absolutely not. Did it work? Totally.

I’ll never forget the moments before we kissed for the first time. We were sitting on my couch, both nervous, but excited about what was about to happen. We had an entire conversation about it beforehand, talking through what our friendship meant to each other, and neither of us wanted to ruin it. Emily said, “Okay, promise me that if we do this and it’s weird, we will just pretend it didn’t happen and stay friends? I can’t handle losing one of my most stable and closest friends.” So, we pinky promised, and I made my move.

Honestly, I think we were both a bit shocked at how natural it felt, like we were always supposed to be together.

And, the rest is history. No, our relationship wasn’t perfect, and yes, we did have disagreements. We both would pout sometimes when we didn’t get our way (she always won though), and we didn’t always see eye to eye on things like financial priorities and household chores. But, we were both always open to having conversations, even if they were hard and required one of us to call the other out on their shit.

Hell, even during those last 12 hours, she had to tell me to chill out multiple times and I had to tell her to quit trying to take care of everyone but herself. 😂 Goodness I miss those moments where we could just be blunt with each other then resume cuddling moments later. She was the only person I’ve ever met that I could do that with.

So Much For My Happy Ending

I’ll be honest, my love of fairy tales and my belief that everything happens for a reason have struggled to reconcile this loss. The timing was terrible (we’d just started wedding planning), Emily was in the best place she’d ever been in terms of her mental health and (or so we thought) physical health as well.

At first, I had decided we were being punished for something, but what I couldn’t begin to figure out. However, I’ve come to a place where I think there wasn’t necessarily a reason for her death (besides that perhaps we all just have times predestined), but there was a reason for everything that played out before that.

Here’s what I mean: Emily almost died in 2017 waiting on a heart. In fact, she told me multiple times that she was certain she wouldn’t make it until Christmas that year (and she was so tired that she didn’t want to). And yet, the morning of the day she planned to check off several bucket list items, she got the call.

Because of that, she finished her bachelor’s and master’s degrees. She found recovery from her eating disorder and was making tremendous progress with her OCD. And, thanks to our chance encounter, I’d like to think she finally got to experience the romantic relationship that she deserved with someone who loved her completely.

It wasn’t the happy ending we dreamed of, retiring to the beach, spending time each day making music together and still watching Grey’s Anatomy. But for a little while, it was more than either of us ever imagined we’d find.

I’m not sure what comes next for me, or for us. If I’m completely honest, there’s at least one day each week when I seriously contemplate trying to join her on the other side. But, as I told one of my best friends last week as I bawled my eyes out on the couch in her office, “If Heaven does exist, Emily would be right there at the gates, ready to smack me for giving up so soon.”

At the end of the day, I still hope there’s a fairy tale out there for me… It will just need to hold space for my first love, the one who didn’t get away, but left this world far too soon.