Today, I wept. I smiled. I paced the corridors of the church as the gears inside my mind spun frantically. I sat in silence. I asked for guidance. I found clarity. 

It was never my fault.

As most people know, I was there with Emily during, as far as I know, her final moments of life. It’s a memory so deeply ingrained in my mind, I’m not sure it will ever not haunt me. I did every thing I could have for her during those final weeks: I encouraged her to schedule an appointment with her primary care physician, I pushed her to ask for more tests, to schedule more appointments, to reach out to her cardiology team. In fact, the only reason we were at the hospital when she died was because I told her we were going to the ER and started to pack a bag. 

I was there until the very end, being the most supportive partner I possibly could. And yet, the first thought that entered my mind as I wept in the waiting room of the cardiac ICU was, “This is all my fault.”

Death rarely makes sense. But our brains don’t like that. Our brains crave answers. They need logic and rationality. There must be absolutes.

But there is no rationality in a woman dying just as she had reached all of the goals she had been working towards for years. At, least, there’s no logic unless you make it yourself. And, for me, the logical conclusion for any negative event has always been to blame myself. 

The truth is, there’s no fault. Depending on your belief system, it’s highly likely Emily was always going to die when she did, and nothing anyone did was going to prevent it. It’s hard to say, and there may not even be a real “right” or “wrong” answer here. I don’t know a lot of things, and this is yet another unknown in the complicated mess we call life. 

But, here’s what I do know: I need to stop blaming myself if I want to start loving myself. And, it’s clear that I must love myself before I can start working towards my other goals and desires. I must love myself so I can find the contentment and joy Emily would want for me… the contentment and joy I relied entirely too much on her to provide.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We are all wretched sinners who let doubt and fear create stumbling blocks from time to time. And yet, God provides grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love… we just have to be willing to accept these things and show them to ourselves.

When Emily and I met, neither of us loved ourselves. Most of the time, I don’t even think either of us knew how to tolerate ourselves, let alone accept ourselves the way we were. 

Over the span of four years, I watched Emily grow and thrive and flourish in ways I don’t think she ever knew were possible. I watched her seek treatment for her ED multiple times and, by the time she died, she was at the healthiest weight I’d ever seen and was doing all the things she needed to in order to sustain her recovery. I saw her work on her OCD, even to the point of insisting I not do the dishes or clean up certain messes so she could do the necessary exposures to heal. 

She grew professionally as she went through grad school and her internship. She grew as a person by taking ownership of her mistakes, by working on her flaws, by learning how to accept my compliments and believe them. By complimenting herself. 

During the time we dated, I watched her learn to accept and embrace her sexual orientation. She went from hiding our relationship and referring to me as “a friend” to the majority of people to proudly wearing her engagement ring and sharing stories about me with the title “fiancee.”

I can’t say for sure that I was the reason Emily was able to do these things. However, I do think she needed someone who was willing to love her unconditionally and stand beside her to provide the support she needed to make the climb. And, I will always be grateful I got to be a part of her life and watch so many marvelous transformations unfold. 

But now? Now it’s my turn to make the climb. But I can’t do that if I continue to hold onto this notion that her death is my fault. Therefore, I must believe that her death was out of everyone’s control. I have to believe she was always going to die when she did, whether it makes sense or not.

As I tried to wrap my brain around all of this (and more) during worship this morning, we were told to turn to “Amazing Grace” in our hymnals. Lo and behold, the hymn sitting right next to it is one I can’t help but associate with Emily, and I take it as a sign that all of these things I am starting to believe are exactly what I need right now — she’s been showing me signs this entire time.

I don’t know if I can fully explain the clarity I experienced today in a way that most will understand, but I also don’t think I’m crazy. I’m merely ready to listen, ready to let go of the shackles I’ve let myself remain confined in for entirely too long. I’m ready to do the work I need to reach my goals. I’m ready to experience peace and contentment. I’m ready for whatever wild ride God has in store, a ride he continues to reveal in the strangest ways that sometimes frustrates me and continuously challenges me, all in the best possible ways.