I have a love-hate relationship with the Memories feature on Facebook. I greatly enjoy when it provides pictures or videos of the kids when they were younger, and I often laugh over the ridiculous stuff I posted when I was in college. But then there are days like today when I encounter this post from two years ago:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept that some people are just assholes and I can’t change them, the ability to detach my emotions from my actions so I don’t do something I’ll regret, and peace to calm me down. Amen.

This prayer brought to you by a woman who loves fiercely and is more than a little angry about the audacity of certain humans right now. I don’t care who you are, you have NO right to speak about my person and spread lies to make yourself out to be the “good guy.” Whatever, I guess the truth will set him free or something.”

As soon as I read it, my blood started to boil just like it did on this same day two years prior. The reason? The guy Emily dated before me.

“Dude, Watch Out… He’s Into You”

I remember the first time I met Emily’s ex. They weren’t dating at the time, but they worked together. Emily was having car problems, so she asked me if I could pick her up from work that day and take her to pick up a rental car while her car was in the shop.

I texted her when I arrived at her work, and she came out to my car. This guy was following her and carrying some stuff. As we loaded her things into my car, he just kind of lingered. Finally he awkwardly told Emily goodbye and walked off.

As we pulled away, I said, “I don’t know who that guy was, but he’s into you.” She laughed and told me it was one of her coworkers and that he had a girlfriend. I told her it didn’t matter, I was certain I picked up on a vibe. I just told her to watch out and keep an eye on the situation and left it at that because I could tell she didn’t believe me.

I don’t know why I didn’t like him after the brief encounter, but I just got this sense that something wasn’t right. However, I also told myself that I was probably just overreacting because I was jealous, and that wasn’t something I could explain to Emily at the time because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. So I just let it go.

“I’m Going on a Date”

A few months after my initial encounter with the aforementioned coworker, I got a text from Emily. It was a picture message plus a “Do I look okay?” deal that most women do with their friends. I remember responding with some fire emojis and telling her she looked great. Honestly, it was so hard at that point to not just blurt out what I really thought, but I was still convinced she was not into me at all, so I didn’t. However, I did ask her what she was all dressed up for.

“I’m… uh, going on a date.”

Of course that led to more questions, and a “I told you so,” because I called it (see above). But she seemed genuinely happy, so I decided to be happy for her and wish her the best.

Watching The Trainwreck

Within a few weeks, Emily changed her relationship status on Facebook. I tried so hard to be happy for her, but at the same time I just couldn’t shake the vibes I felt about this guy.

Disgruntled in Dollywood

In early October (maybe a month or two into this relationship), Emily went with us (me + the kids) to Gatlinburg for fall break. The second day of the trip was entirely devoted to Dollywood, and we were in the park shortly after it opened until less than an hour before it closed.

Sometime in the late afternoon, Emily started getting text messages and calls. I didn’t ask about it at first, but eventually she muttered something under her breath that sounded like she was slightly annoyed, so I just kind of did the whole, “Everything okay?”

She explained it was her boyfriend. She said she’d told him multiple times that we would be in Gatlinburg and even reminded him of that and said she was in Dollywood. But, because this guy is a totally self-absorbed jerk, he kept blowing up her phone anyway. I made a joke about telling him to go away because it was my time with her, and she laughed. I also asked if I needed to answer the phone next time he tried to call, which she of course responded with, “No!”

I got bits and pieces of the situation as the kids were distracted. He was lonely. He needed money for food. He wanted to go over to her place. It was a lot, especially given that they’d only been dating for a couple of months and Emily said she didn’t see it as anything serious.

Again, I tried to find the fine line between supportive friend and jealousy monster with a secret crush, and it was a line that was becoming increasingly harder to walk. I expressed my concerns, but told her that what matters most is if she’s happy, and I left it at that.

The Truth Started Spilling Out

Over the next several months, Emily slowly leaked the realities of her relationship, and it wasn’t pretty. She was footing the bill for a lot of this guy’s stuff, from cell phone bills to groceries (and more). She was struggling to get grad school assignments done because he would come over to her place virtually anytime she was home, and he couldn’t give her the space to focus. He would pick expensive places for date nights, but never offered to pay. She was basically acting as his caretaker and case manager in addition to being her girlfriend because he seemed incapable of doing the most basic things (like getting a bus pass or applying for jobs).

And while all of that was bad enough, it wasn’t what finally pushed me from “this guy gives me bad vibes” to “this man child is a scumbag and I’m going to kick his ass.” That, unfortunately, was when she started confiding in me about the physical intimacy he was forcing.

To this day, I am proud of Emily for standing her ground on not having sex, but she let him violate her in so many other ways that just thinking about it still makes me want to hunt him down.

The Writing on the Wall

By February, Emily was ready to break things off with this guy. But, being the conflict-avoidant, people-pleasing person she was, she’d end up stalling or chickening out. There were several times towards the end of the relationship where she’d call or text me while she was with him, begging me to come over so she didn’t have to be alone with him.

My response? “Emily, I love you, but I can’t be the same room with this guy and be nice. I will say something mean. And, in all likelihood, I will end up threatening him or actually beating him up if I see him do anything that hurts you.”

Of course, I knew that part of my protective stance was because I’m protective of all of my friends in that way, and Emily knew that too. But, what she didn’t know is that I also wanted to be the knight in shining armor that saved her from the dragon (or whatever other villain you want her ex to be).

But, instead of rushing in to save her, I just kept being there to support her and encouraging her to break up with him. And, finally, at the beginning of April, she did.

Not Taking No For An Answer

I knew Emily broke up with him. She recorded it, she called me immediately after, and he initially seemed to react in a way a person would when you’re broken up with. However, that didn’t last long.

The weekend after Emily and I kissed and made the decision to be more than friends in April 2021, all hell broke loose.

“He wants to get dinner and catch up, but I made it clear we’re doing this just as friends.”

Okay, that’s fine, I hope you have fun.

“Can you fake an emergency? Or pretend to be my boss calling me in? He brought over a suitcase and thinks we’re spending the weekend together.”

Absolutely not! Tell him no!

We had a fight, mostly because I told her she needed to set boundaries with this guy, and she was still trying to tiptoe around his feelings. I also had limitations on how I could help since I had the kids that weekend. And, of course, I felt a little confused as to why she was even spending time with him to begin with.

Thankfully, an amazing friend of hers and their at-the-time-boyfriend (now husband) stepped in and did damage control by getting Emily out of the apartment and basically telling the guy he better be gone when Emily came back.

I wish I could say that was the end of things… But it wasn’t.

The weekend after the suitcase incident, Emily and I went to Lipstick Lounge and I posted a candid picture of her, grinning from ear to ear, with the caption, “Seriously, this woman is the cutest.” Later that night, he starts blowing up her phone, and when she ignores him, he tells her how high his blood sugar is (he’s diabetic)… And it’s dangerous. She was not sober at this point (we were at a lesbian bar, yes we had drinks), so I end up driving us to his place so we can take him to the hospital.

Weeks go by, and this guy is still calling and texting Emily daily. As she ignored him yet again while we’re sitting at a restaurant eating, I tell her, “I love you, but this is ridiculous. I’m going to step in.” (She thought I was going to break up with her… really I just wanted to tell him off.)

So, in not so polite terms, I tell him that Emily broke up with him and even looked up the exact date and time. I also explain to him that she tried to be nice, but he’s stomped all over any boundaries she tried to put in place and, as her girlfriend, I need him to stop contacting her or there will be consequences. He replies insisting they didn’t break up, she’s lying to me, but he’ll leave her alone as I’ve asked.

And, for a little over a month, he says nothing.

Then things go off the rails.

For starters, their former employer ends up being exposed for lots of shady stuff, so someone starts a group thread for all of the former employees to share information and discuss ways they can help burn the place down so to say. Emily has to unblock the ex since he’s also in the group thread, and he immediately starts reaching out to her, asking if they can put the past behind them and be friends. She sets a boundary, saying she’ll talk to him about things related to the former employer, but that’s it. So then he turns the group thread into a dumping ground for his personal emotions and eventually tells several people that Emily cheated on him with me and is saying hurtful things to him because he asked to be friends. Several people contact Emily, taking the ex’s side and calling her all sorts of names, then they remove her from the group.

Then, in late summer/early fall 2021, Emily starts getting all sorts of weird calls and messages from numbers she doesn’t know. Threats about breaking into her place, taking photos of her, all sorts of crazy stuff. We file police reports, look into what actions we can take. Somehow the ex magically finds out this is happening and insists he has nothing to do with it, but he’ll protect her. Again, he tries to ask her to be friends and hang out, which she refuses. She blocks him again, one of her brothers does some digging, and we learn someone asked people to scare Emily. But, once questions start being asked, the calls and texts stop. And, besides the ex occasionally sending each of us friend requests on Facebook, we don’t hear from him after this.

Even in Death, He Can’t Leave Things Alone

A few weeks after Emily died, the ex sends a friend request to Emily. And, I’m not sure if it was the posts on her page or something else, but he finds out she died and posts about it. Again, in the post, he accuses her of cheating and goes on about how he only wanted the best for her, he always treated her well, yada yada.

And that’s what prompted the Facebook post I made on this day two years ago. It all prompted me to send him a lengthy message, asking him to stop lying about her and to let it go already. He tried to pick a flight, so I blocked him.

He’s tried to send friend requests to Emily’s profile several times since then, and I decline them every time.

I know Emily wasn’t perfect, but I know for a fact she was nothing but overly nice to this guy before, while, and after they dated.

Me, on the other hand? I never liked the guy, and I never will. He’s probably one of the only people in this planet I’ve held onto anger towards (and that’s saying something if you know my entire backstory), and had he not cooled down his efforts, he may have eventually been the first reason I ended up in jail.