Yesterday would have seemed like a normal, stress-free day to most people. But, for me, it was anything but ordinary.

A dear friend needed someone to serve as their driver and babysitter for a simple outpatient procedure, and I said yes without hesitation. As we coordinated logistics on Monday, I suddenly realized the gravity of this seemingly simple request: it would require me to return to Vanderbilt, the exact hospital where Emily died.

As soon as I read Vandy, I felt the blood leave my face. Tension consumed every muscle in my body as my mind flipped through images of those final 48 hours, like a highlights reel. I could hear myself screaming, “NO!” and had an overwhelming urge to curl up in a blanket and never move again.

And yet, somehow, I kept my promise and made it through an entire morning at Vanderbilt without having a panic attack. In fact, I even smiled a few times and shared short stories of previous trips Emily and I made to that hospital, a place where she both got a second chance at life and took her final breath.

That experience got me thinking: why was I able to get through the visit without completely falling apart? And more importantly, how can revisiting grief triggers actually help in the healing process?

The Psychology Behind Exposure Therapy for Grief

When we experience deep grief—especially after a traumatic loss—our brains often go into self-protection mode. We instinctively avoid places, objects, or conversations reminding us of what we lost. While this is a natural coping mechanism, avoidance can sometimes reinforce the pain rather than help us heal.

Exposure therapy is a psychological technique that helps people confront distressing memories, places, or emotions in a controlled way. By gradually facing painful triggers in a safe setting, the brain can begin to process them differently—reducing distress over time.

I am no stranger to exposure therapy, both as a patient and as a support person. Back in 2020, my therapist and I utilized protocols from two different types of exposure therapy (STAIR-NT and CPT) to work through over a half dozen events that fueled my Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). Then, in 2022, Emily began Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) to work through the most problematic aspects of her OCD.

Up until Emily died, I had never heard of using exposure therapy as a tool for grief. But research suggests that it can be just as effective for those mourning a loss as it is for treating PTSD or anxiety. A 2014 study found that grief-focused exposure therapy helped participants reduce the intensity of their distress while fostering acceptance and emotional resilience.

For many grieving individuals, avoiding certain places—like hospitals, bedrooms, or restaurants they once frequented with their loved ones—can create an invisible cage around their lives. By utilizing aspects of exposure therapy, grieving individuals can step outside of that cage and learn to sit with the discomfort of sadness, fear, and anger without becoming overwhelmed or dysregulated.

Over time, this can make grief triggers feel less like emotional landmines and more like moments of remembrance that we can navigate with greater ease. It doesn’t erase the pain, but it shifts the power dynamic—instead of grief controlling us, we learn how to move through it with a little more strength each time.

So, how can you apply this concept in your own grief journey? While everyone’s process is different, there are some ways to approach exposure therapy to promote healing rather than distress.

How to Approach Exposure Therapy in Grief

If you’re considering revisiting places, objects, or memories tied to your grief, it’s important to do so in a way that feels intentional and manageable. Exposure therapy isn’t about forcing yourself into painful situations before you’re ready—it’s about gradual healing and regaining a sense of control over your grief. Here are some ways to make the process as therapeutic as possible:

1. Start Small

You don’t have to jump straight into the most painful places or memories. If revisiting a hospital, cemetery, or your loved one’s favorite restaurant feels overwhelming, start with something smaller. 

Look at old photos, listen to a song that reminds you of them, or drive by a meaningful location without going in. Small exposures allow you to build resilience over time rather than becoming emotionally flooded.

Whether intentional or not, I have used this approach over the past two and a half years. Over time, I’ve visited numerous places that hold memories, read through old journals of Emily’s, and absorbed any story about her that her friends and family are willing to share. 

Starting small helps you gradually increase your tolerance for these painful emotions so that, eventually, you can bite off something more significant, like revisiting the hospital where your loved one died.

2. Bring a Support System

Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to face difficult moments alone. Bringing a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can make a huge difference. They don’t have to say or do anything profound—just having someone there to anchor you in the present can provide comfort.

Although it wasn’t intentional, the friend I accompanied yesterday also provided support and distraction, giving me the courage to step onto Vanderbilt’s campus. This has been a repeated narrative throughout the past two and a half years, with friends accompanying me to bars and coffee shops Emily and I loved, helping me sort through and organize her possessions, and more. 

Support systems are one of the most essential parts of healthy grief processing; these exposures are no different.

3. Control the Narrative

One of the most complex parts of revisiting grief triggers is feeling powerless over the emotions they stir up. Instead of passively reliving painful memories, set an intention for the experience. 

Are you visiting to honor your loved one? To remind yourself of the full story of their life—not just their death? To reclaim a space that has felt too painful to return to? 

Defining a purpose can help shift your mindset from fear to empowerment. It can also help you remain focused on the task without diving too far down the rabbit holes our minds love to create. 

4. Pair It With a Positive Action

Balancing difficult emotions with comforting or meaningful actions can help reshape your experience. You might bring flowers to the location, listen to a song that reminds you of happy moments, or write a short letter to your loved one while you’re there. These small actions don’t erase the pain, but they can help transform the experience into something intentional rather than just triggering.

Yesterday, I bookended our trip to Vanderbilt in a way I know Emily would have appreciated: drinks and delightful food. The coffee on the drive up provided liquid courage, while the milkshakes my friend and I obtained after were more like a refreshing reward for pushing through. Somehow, those little rituals made the day feel less like a battle against grief and more like an act of remembrance—a reminder that I can still find joy, even in hard places.

5. Have Coping Strategies Ready

Even with careful planning, grief can hit hard. Having grounding techniques prepared can help you stay present and avoid emotional overwhelm. Some useful strategies include:

• Paced breathing – Try box breathing (inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four) to calm your nervous system.
• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding – Identify five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste to bring yourself back to the present.
• Holding a physical object – A smooth rock, a piece of jewelry, or even your car keys can serve as an anchor to the present moment.

I did a combination of all of these recommendations during my adventure yesterday. I brought a small, flat stone with the Serenity Prayer carved into it as my comforting object. As we walked into the building and I recognized a few familiar sights, I focused on my breath and counted through inhales and exhales. 

Having these strategies in my arsenal ensured I didn’t reach a point of dysregulation I couldn’t handle and ensured I remained calm and supportive of my friend during her procedure.

6. Know When to Step Back

Exposure therapy should be challenging but not traumatizing. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause or leave. Healing is not a linear process, and there’s no shame in stepping away if you need to. Every attempt—even if it doesn’t go as planned—is a step toward integrating your grief in a more manageable way.

Learning to Live With Grief, Not Just Avoid It

Walking back into Vanderbilt didn’t change the fact that Emily died there. It didn’t erase the grief, and it didn’t make that place any less tied to the most heartbreaking moments of my life. But what it did do was remind me that I am still here—that I can hold my grief and my love in the same breath. I can carry both the pain of her absence and the beauty of what we shared without being consumed by either one.

Grief makes certain places, dates, and experiences feel like landmines—things to avoid at all costs. But over time, I’ve learned that avoidance only makes those wounds feel bigger, scarier, and more impossible to face. Returning to Vanderbilt wasn’t easy, but it proved I could step into the hard places and survive. And with each step forward, I loosen grief’s grip on my life just a little more.

If you’re navigating a loss, you don’t have to dive headfirst into your most brutal memories immediately. Start small. Give yourself grace. Bring support. And most of all, remember that healing isn’t about “moving on”—it’s about making space for both grief and growth. You are stronger than you think, and with time, even the hardest places can become less about pain—and more about love.