If you’ve been reading this blog or know me in real life, then you’re probably aware of the fact that I like to write. Writing has always been something that came naturally to me and, most of the time, sparks joy.

I first started a “blog” in late middle school (RIP OpenDiary), and throughout high school I carried around a notebook where I wrote down poems, song lyrics, and anything else that came to mind. As an adult, that love has moved from a hobby to a source of income, and as is the case with this blog, a fair number of passion projects.

Emily always seemed to appreciate my writing. She often laughed when she’d Google a topic and find something I wrote on it. She also asked me to edit nearly every single written assignment she submitted for grad school because, according to her, she wasn’t a skilled writer.

My Wedding Vows (Sort Of)

When I planned my proposal to Emily, I originally had a speech prepared. However, the moment she walked out into the courtyard and I reached for her hand, every word I had prepared completely left my brain. As I looked into her eyes, all I could think about was how lucky I was to have this woman in my life. So, I simply said, “Emily, I love you. You make me so happy, and I want to spend my life with you… will you marry me?”

After she said yes and we shouted together and kissed and took pictures with the kids, she looked at me and said, “I thought you’d have a whole romantic speech planned out and my ADHD brain would kick in and I’d zone out and ruin the moment.” I laughed because she knew me all too well.

Even though we’d only been engaged for a few weeks, we’d already talked about writing our wedding vows. Of course, Emily said, “Bruh, who am I going to get to help me with these? I don’t want you to literally write the vows I say to you!” Of course, I told her I didn’t care what she said as long as it came from her heart.

Meanwhile, I already knew I wanted to write vows that were sweet and romantic, but all contained a few chuckles.

The day Emily died, her brother posted this incredible tribute to her that made me cry. I hadn’t posted anything about her death at this point because I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it was real. A couple of days later, though, I finally decided it was time to say something… but the only thing I wanted to do was talk to Emily.

So I decided to write the vows I didn’t get to say. Below is an enhanced version of those words:

Emily,

From the moment I met you, I could see what a special person you are. Your smile lights up the room. You are full of energy, yet also an incredibly calming presence. Your snarky comments make me laugh even in the most inappropriate moments. So many people love you… I love you.

Every time I think about how many things had to perfectly align for us to meet, the only logical explanation I can think of is that it was meant to be. For how else do you explain two people at completely different points in their lives crossing paths in a way that allowed them to fall in love? If you ask me, our entire relationship is divine intervention at its finest, and I thank God for you every single day.

I always tell you that you saved my life, though you never believe me. You just say all of the moments we’ve shared (the hour-long conversations outside the group therapy room, the random dinner and Target runs, and all the times we cuddled up in blankets on the couch to watch whatever show we wanted) as nothing significant. But, many times, those moments are precisely what keeps me going on the difficult days and what I looked forward to even on the best ones.

I may not have a lot of money, and I may not be as smoking hot as all of the Grey’s Anatomy doctors we both enjoy. But, I love you more than anything else in this world.

Because I love you, I promise:

• I will always be here to listen to you.
• I will ensure you have a cup of coffee and lunch to take with you as you rush out the door.
• I will let you pet every dog we walk by.
• I will ensure dinner and a glass of wine are always ready for you at home after work.
• I will do what I can to make you laugh at least once a day.
• I will make you eat food, even when your body image is crap.
• I will always hold you when you cry.
• I will always cheer you on as you make music or dance.
• I will never be angry with you.
• I will always fix anything that breaks, or at least try by best.
• I will always be patient, even when your OCD be popping.
• I will support you in any endeavor, whether in your career or personal life.
• I will tell you how beautiful you are, even when you don’t believe me.
• I will try my best to ride the roller coasters with you, even if they make me feel sick.
• I will help you clean out your car, even if I can’t understand why you have so much junk in it.
• I will be with you for every appointment, every procedure, and every medical emergency — and I won’t leave your side.
• I will reassure you when your fears and worries spin out of control.
• I will kiss you every morning and kiss you goodnight.
• I will give you as many massages as you need.
• I will let you drag me into Sephora anytime you want.
• I will never judge you for what you say, do, feel, or believe.
• I will have you back no matter what anyone else says.

Most of all, I will love you every single day for the rest of my life. No matter where life takes us, no matter what storms we face, I will be right there by your side, holding your hand, ready to face them together.

I pick you, I choose you, I love you. You’re like coming up for fresh air. It’s always been you. It will always be you, and nobody else.

Love Exists

Emily and I may not have made it down the aisle, but I don’t think that makes the love we shared any less meaningful. Because of Emily, I got to experience true love with someone who appreciated my writing. So I will keep sharing her story for as long as I am alive, because that’s exactly what she deserves… a story that never dies.