On Friday afternoon, I received some exciting news I’d been waiting on for nearly two months. I spent a lot of that time concerned that things wouldn’t work out. But, as usual, Emily told me the entire time that she felt confident about this opportunity — and she was right.

It’s a little bittersweet to have exciting news like career advancements but no longer have my person to share them with. However, I firmly believe that I only ended up with this new opportunity because Emily did such a great job of pushing me to see myself in a better light.

Emily Always Reassured Me

Emily was one of those people who always saw the best attributes of others, even when they didn’t see them in themselves. Although I didn’t always understand how she could do that or agree with her, I was thankful for this gift she possessed.

When I worried about the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I’d received from our DBT therapist and feared I’d always be “just a label,” she used her knowledge of mental health conditions to not only reassure me that I wasn’t too much, but also tell me she didn’t think BPD was an accurate diagnosis for me (and as I learned later in 2019, she was right). When my marriage fell apart and I wondered if I’d actually find true love, Emily reassured me that I would because I was “a catch.” When I convinced myself I was getting fired for the hundredth time, she reassured me that there was no way anyone would fire me because I’m a hard worker. When I worried about how Emily’s family would treat me as her girlfriend instead of just a friend, she reassured me that they’d love me just as much as she did because I’m an incredible person and so easy to love.

Yes, I could go on and on about all the times Emily reassured me, but you get the idea.

Most people grow tired of reassuring their loved ones that their fears aren’t rational and they are much better than they think. However, Emily never seemed to. She always seemed genuine and offered her perspective without any criticisms or complaints.

I also know that I was not the only person Emily offered these reassurances to. She used this skill to help lots of people in her life, from her friends and family to her clients. She loved making people feel comfortable and confident in themselves, and seeing others achieve their goals made Emily feel good about herself, too.

Emily Needed Reassurance, Too

It’s funny, because Emily reassured me and saw my positive attributes, yet she struggled to do this same thing for herself. She struggled with many of the same fears I did, but with the added layer of her chronic health issues convincing her she was always going to die.

I always wondered why she couldn’t believe in herself the way she believed in everyone else. But, looking back, I suppose she needed reassurance for the same reason I did: years of bullying and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations really takes a toll on you.

Sometimes our home was a hilarious place to be, because we’d have entire conversations that just involved us reassuring each other about everything. I’m sure to most people it seemed ridiculous, but for me, it felt nice to have someone who not only understood the way my brain worked, but was willing to share her own insecurities with me so we could collectively pull each other up.

Thinking About Emily Now

I knew that, eventually, Emily and I both reach a place where those fears would grow quiet (they were already starting too), and we could simply celebrate our successes together, much like the tiny victory I scored on Friday. I couldn’t wait for that day to come for both of us. Not because I minded reassuring her (I actually liked coming up with fun ways to compliment her or make her laugh), but because I knew we’d both feel lighter if we reached a place where anxiety didn’t constantly get the better of us.

I’ll be honest, I have let anxiety get the better of me a lot this past month. I’ve struggled with guilt. I’ve feared that I’m annoying Emily’s family or that I have inserted myself in places where I don’t need to be. I’ve worried that I’m driving people nuts by talking about Emily constantly. I’ve gone down late-night spirals about my own mortality… you name it, I’ve probably thought it.

Yet, I have managed to find peace at times when these feelings get the better of me because I simply sit and ask myself, “What would Emily say to reassure you right now?” Sometimes I even hear the answers to that question play in her voice through my mind. It’s not a perfect solution, and it may not be permanent, but for now it works for me.

Emily was always there to reassure me. Even though she’s no longer physically here, I would like to think that she’s still cheering me on from somewhere… even if it’s just in my imagination.