I Almost Called — A Poem

I almost called you today
just so I could hear your voice.
I've tried imagining it in my head all day,
but it's like the sound faded away,
just like your presence here on Earth.
I almost texted you today
just because I wanted to share a moment.
I've tried journaling instead,
but I miss the interaction of your responses,
just like I miss your embrace.
I almost yelled for you today
when I needed help for just a minute.
I've tried learning how to do it by myself,
but it's much harder than I thought,
and I'd rather just not do it at all at that point.
I almost called you today
like I always did when I was heading home.
I've tried listening to podcasts,
but they just make me realize
I'm completely alone now.
I almost texted you today
because, for a brief time, 
I forgot all about your death.
But as I reached for my phone,
I remembered...
And I fell apart all over again,
just like I have every single day
since I watched you stop breathing.

This Empty House — A Poem

I walk in the door and turn on the light, yet I’m still surrounded in total darkness. I stumble around, hunting for you… but it’s clear that your lights are out permanently.

I stumble around, hunting for you… but it’s clear that your lights are out permanently.

I think if your light would even flicker for me briefly, I’d be alright. 

But instead I’m left in this empty home as the darkness consumes my spirit.

I stand on the stairs and cry out for you, yet all that echos back at me is total silence.

I sing, I shout, I whisper your name… but I soon realize you are no longer listening.

I think if you’d say my name just one more time, I’d relax and smile.

But instead I’m left in this empty house as the silence breaks my heart.

I open the door and wish for you, yet my eyes focus on the empty bed.

I lie down and extend my hands… but it’s obvious to my skin that all I touched was air.

I think if I could feel your touch and warm embrace, I would feel so loved.

But instead I’m left in this empty house all alone as my soul begins to die.

Another Minute — A Poem

Another minute,
Another hour,
The words I say
It doesn’t matter

You’re all around me
But nowhere near
I can’t go on
I won’t live here
Not without you

Another minute,
Another hour,
The things I do
It doesn’t matter

I try to breathe
But why take in air?
It won’t bring you back
It can’t put you here
My one desire

Another minute,
Another hour,
It’s all the same
It doesn’t matter

It should have been me
But never you
Too much to live for
So much to do
A story left untold

All I Could Have Done — A Poem

My mind is racing

Feet are pacing

Trying to make sense

Of all that has transpired.

All the things

I could have done,

All the times

I should have intervened.

I know you told me not to.

You said it would all be OK.

But clearly that wasn’t the case,

Or you’d still be at my side.

I don’t think there’s a way

To take away this blame…

It’s weighing heavily on my heart

And absolutely crushing my soul.

I’d give away everything

Just to turn back time.

I’d sell my soul

To keep you alive.

But I know none of that is an option.

No amount of sadness

Can bring you back.

No amount of guilt

Can ease my pain.

Instead I’m left here

All alone

With the could haves,

Should haves,

And my broken heart.

Every Step I Take — A Poem

They say I need to keep going. Inhale and exhale. Just put one foot in front of the other, since slow and steady wins the race. But they don’t know that every breath I take and every step I make towards the future moves me further away from you.

See, the past is filled with memories we made together. It feels like sunshine and the touch of your velvety skin. It smells like our favorite dinners and your incredible hair. It sounds like singing Taylor Swift songs by the piano or blasting Demi Lovato in the car. It’s paved in laughter and love and all of my favorite dreams.

The past is familiar. The past is my happy place. The past is our home. It isn’t filled with panic or fear. There is no uncertainty.

Yet, any type of future, or any life without you, feels like my deepest, darkest nightmares. It sits in the shadows with no indication of how it will impact me, of how it will impact the life we build together.

I worry that each breath I take without you will slowly erase pieces of you from my memory. I fear I’ll forget the stillness of those Saturday mornings with overflowing coffee mugs. I worry that I’ll no longer remember the way my heart soared every time you looked at me with those dazzling blue eyes. I wonder how many breaths it will take before the feeling of your lips against mine will simply vanish.

Thinking about taking even a single step without you by my side makes me panic. I fear that a smile will cast a shadow over your loss, or make it seem like, somehow, I don’t miss you anymore. I worry about what will happen if I take too many steps, if I find a stride, how that will impact our interactions if we are truly to ever meet again.

I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to move on. I just want to rewind the tapes and linger in the last peaceful moment we shared. But, alas, I am no time traveler. All I can do is decide whether or not I will keep breathing — and I think I know deep down which choice I need to make.