Last night was one of those nights where I completely passed out as soon as I got the kids tucked into their beds. I netted 5 hours of sleep before I woke up for the first time, and it felt amazing. However, it also meant I dreamt.

I don’t fully remember the dream at this point. I just know that I woke up feeling panicked, and I was having a lot of pain around my left bicep. Logically, I knew I’d probably just been laying on my arm, and that’s why it hurt, but anxiety took over and convinced me it was a heart attack.

What’s interesting about this situation isn’t the pain in my arm or my anxiety but rather what I did to calm myself down. Instead of reaching for one of my usual grounding techniques, I did an odd variation of several — I started focusing on all the things I could remember about Emily.

I Can Still See Her

One of my biggest fears since Emily died is that, eventually, my memories will fade. I don’t want to forget a single thing about her, and I want to keep her memory alive for others as well. But, I know that our memories dull over time, and I’m so scared that I will wake up one day and remember almost nothing.

As I learned at 2:30am, though, I currently remember a lot about Emily. I’d like to keep it that way, so I’m making a list of everything I remember… or at least most everything (not sure who is reading this, so I’ll keep it “family friendly”).

• I remember the way her hair smelled.
• I remember how expressive her eyes were.
• I remember the way her nose would crinkle when she smiled.
• I remember how much her smile made my heart sing.
• I remember the way her eyes lit up when she’d look at me.
• I remember how the tone of her voice would change when she got excited about something.
• I remember the way it felt when she’d roll her eyes at me.
• I remember her tiny ears.
• I remember the softness of her lips.
• I remember the way she’d smirk when we’d pull away after a kiss.
• I remember how she’d latch onto my arm or put her arms around me when we’d walk into a crowd.
• I remember the way she’d squeal when I tickled her.
• I remember how she’d sometimes do silly things like lick the tip of my nose or pretend like she was going to bite me when I’d go in for a kiss.
• I remember her small, delicate hands.
• I remember how perfect her hands felt resting on my arms.
• I remember the warmth of her hugs.
• I remember how soft her skin felt, no matter what the weather was or where I touched her.
• I remember the perfect curves of her body.
• I remember how amazing her butt looked in tight pants.
• I remember the way she would sometimes purposely get in front of me when we were walking outside, just so she could see how long it took for her to distract me.
• I remember how adorable she looked in one of my t-shirts (which she often stole to sleep in).
• I remember the fact that she was so flexible, she could lift her leg and rest her foot on my shoulder.
• I remember how incredible she looked anytime she danced.
• I remember how she’d stretch and fit herself into ridiculously small places just because she could.
• I remember the way she’d smile when she was trying to flirt with me.
• I remember how she’d sit in the shower to shave her legs.
• I remember her tiny feet and the large gap between her toes.
• I remember how she’d randomly point out the fact that her surgical scars made a smiley face.
• I remember what her hands felt like when they touched me.
• I remember the way she’d curl up in a ball on the couch and watch TikToks.
• I remember how her head felt as it rested on my shoulder.
• I remember the way she fit in my lap so perfectly.
• I remember the way she’d sometimes lay right on top of me and rest her head on my chest if I was dealing with a migraine.
• I remember the concern in her voice anytime I was hurt or not feeling well.
• I remember the way her body language and voice tone would change when she was going to ask me for something.
• I remember how she’d say, “I love you” throughout the day.
• I remember her groan in the mornings when she didn’t want to get up.
• I remember how she’d stretch out her foot or hand in the night to make sure I was still in bed.
• I remember the way she’d shake her butt if she was trying to cheer me up or make me laugh.
• I remember how she’d pout if I told her no to some ridiculous request.
• I remember the way she’d tug on my arm or smack me if she wanted to show me something.
• I remember how she’d move her feet as she’d try to fall asleep at night.
• I remember how perfect she looked when she was asleep.
• I remember the fact that she was a perfect height for me to just walk up to her and kiss her forehead.
• I remember the way she’d playfully smack my butt and giggle.
• I remember how she’d bury her face in me when she’d cry.
• I remember how perfect it felt when she was in my arms.

Because of Emily, I have years of incredible memories to cherish. I just hope I can commit them to memory and never let them fade, because they make me so happy.